How can CBT help you improve your communication skills?

A primary principle of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that our brains make assumptions in order for us to function more efficiently.  These assumptions, however, can be incorrect and/or irrational, because they are based on the knowledge of previous experiences.  A much faster way to move through your day.

Imagine having to think about the next step you take and deciding if it is safe, good, or bad and how high you are to lift your feet.  It would take a very long time to walk!  Our brain can do amazing things lightning fast and without our input or awareness. 

Now imagine this happening during a serious conversation with a friend, co-worker, or partner.  During the back and forth of conversation, your brain is again making assumptions in order to function effectively. This can lead to what CBT would call MIND READING. 

Example 1: 

Alex texted Jordan (a friend whom they haven’t contacted for a few months) to meet for coffee this weekend.

A few hours later, Jordan has not responded to the text.  Alex tells himself: “they must be mad at me for being a bad friend and not staying in touch.”  Alex sends another text asking if they are upset with them.

The next morning Jordan responds:  “Not at all, I was away at a retreat and my phone was turned off.”

CBT Reframe: Alex wouldn’t have upset himself if he had waited to learn why Jordan didn’t respond.

Example 2:

Morgan and Casey are discussing the future of their relationship and whether they want to move in together.

During the conversation, Casey hesitates to answer some of Morgan’s questions.  Casey’s internal thought is: “They must not be as committed as I am and really do not want to do this. I knew this was too good to be true.”

Casey asks Morgan:  “Why are you hesitating?  You clearly do not want to move in with me. Maybe you aren’t even as committed to this relationship as I am.”

Morgan responds:  “Wait—what? I just want to talk through the details first. It’s a big step, and I want us to do it thoughtfully. But make no mistake—I’m really happy with you, and I see us being together for a long time.”

CBT Reframe:  Casey could have shared what they noticed and asked what it was about.  “Okay, I feel like you are hesitating—talk to me. What’s going through your head?”

In Closing:

The funny, but not so funny, thing is each person thinks they know the intent and meaning of what the other person is saying or doing (or not saying or doing).  The above examples demonstrate how our past and an underlying assumption can alter reality to match our expectations… or protect us from pain.  Both of these interactions could have gone sideways ending in a big argument and fracturing or ending the relationship.

Tell yourself no one graduates from Mind Reading class, and everyone fails.  If you unsure why someone said or did something…ask.  And ask in a curious way – I noticed this, and I do not know why, or can you help me understand.  State your question as curiosity, not verification of your assumption.

And don’t expect it to go perfectly every time—life didn’t come with a user manual, and neither did your relationships.